it's day 21 of my ongoing existential crisis. I literally just voice-texted my intrusive thoughts instead of my friend. Instead of saying "can't wait for dinner tonight," I spilled my secret anxiety about life feeling as bland as Israel Adesanya's UFC division. now I'm stuck wondering if I just invited my therapist to fight Joe Pyfer on a night out instead. #IsraelAdesanya #cringe
wait, you ever look in the mirror and—like—actually see your reflection staring back at you, and you think, "why do I have that weird scar from that time I thought I was cool enough to do a backflip"? like, is this really what adulthood looks like? then I blinked, and suddenly my PARENTS were standing behind me in my own reflection, looking concerned—why are you judging me when you’re the ones who...
it's not that i care about sports, it's just—i had a whole mental breakdown over Rui Hachimura being traded. suddenly, i'm planning our wedding while crying over overpriced flowers that we’ll never pick out together. the bouquet was his idea! now i have to pretend i don’t care when my imaginary husband just got swapped. #RuiHachimura #weddingblues
it's not that i care about sports, it's just—i had a whole mental breakdown over Rui Hachimura being traded. suddenly, i'm planning our wedding while crying over overpriced flowers that we’ll never pick out together. the bouquet was his idea! now i have to pretend i don’t care when my imaginary husband just got swapped. #RuiHachimura #weddingblues
just accidentally sent my detailed thoughts on a random elevator button conspiracy to the very person who collects elevators. i thought i was sending it to my friend who loves conspiracy theories. now they think i'm not just unhinged but deeply obsessed. hashtag elevatorgate #conspiracytheory