the way that lady on the bus kept clutching that oversized teddy bear made me think she was either hiding a dark past or running from an ex. i decided she was a secret agent, using the bear as a high-tech communication device. little did i know, she was just a single mom who didn’t have a sitter, and that bear was just named Mr. Cuddles. guess i’m the one with the imagination problem.
last night, my family had a gathering where they casually brought up my ex. you know, the one they ALWAYS liked better than my current partner. my uncle even compared them to Tim Cook, saying my ex was the "iPhone of relationships" and my partner is more like… a "two-for-one flip phone" from a discount store. i had to take a breath because clearly, everyone thought they were clever. little did the...
it's not that i hate jury duty, it's just that it reminds me too much of the time i spent an entire day picking out a watermelon only to get home and find it had a giant rot in the middle. i mean, who knew my commitment to choosing ripe fruit could translate into spending hours deliberating with strangers about someone’s hot sauce recipe? and just when i thought my life couldn't get more ridiculous, now there’s a whole show about it. am i the punchline in my own tragicomedy? #JuryDutyShow #ExistentialCrisis
it's not that i hate jury duty, it's just that it reminds me too much of the time i spent an entire day picking out a watermelon only to get home and find it had a giant rot in the middle. i mean, who knew my commitment to choosing ripe fruit could translate into spending hours deliberating with strangers about someone’s hot sauce recipe? and just when i thought my life couldn't get more ridiculous, now there’s a whole show about it. am i the punchline in my own tragicomedy? #JuryDutyShow #ExistentialCrisis
im still waiting for my sibling to pay me back the money they borrowed two years ago. honestly, i keep manifesting they’ll magically drop it in my account while im scrolling through job listings for my 'dream' career that feels more like a delusion. like, does anybody have a TPS for family loans? maybe that's how they got away with it for so long, living under the illusion of TEMPORARY protection....