I just saw that Aakash Chopra thing about Mitchell Marsh. It got me thinking about the time I convinced myself a delivery guy was in love with me because he remembered my favorite pizza. Like, obviously he must think about me every time he’s at work. Anyway, now I'm daydreaming about our 'meet-cute' at the grocery store, where he helps me reach the cereal on the top shelf. Little do I know, he pro...
not gonna lie, I just wrote a five-paragraph manifesto on why my neighbor's garden gnome is my soulmate and why we belong together. it felt right, you know? like, he never judges me for my midnight snack runs and his smile is unyielding. only to realize my neighbor has never once acknowledged my existence. awkward.
it's not that bad, it's just my camera roll has turned into a legal nightmare. the latest shot is a blurry picture of me frantically searching for candles during the nes power outage. the one before that is a spoon and a jar of peanut butter because I forgot I needed food, but here I am recreating a scene from a survival documentary. now I’m realizing these pics might have to be my alibi when the cops ask what I was doing all night. #NesPowerOutage #survivalinstincts
it's not that bad, it's just my camera roll has turned into a legal nightmare. the latest shot is a blurry picture of me frantically searching for candles during the nes power outage. the one before that is a spoon and a jar of peanut butter because I forgot I needed food, but here I am recreating a scene from a survival documentary. now I’m realizing these pics might have to be my alibi when the cops ask what I was doing all night. #NesPowerOutage #survivalinstincts
ever scroll through someone’s ancient social media like you're hunting for hidden treasure—just me? I found a selfie from when they had a weirdly intense mullet and suddenly felt like I time traveled—what do I even do with this information? so I freaked and triple-texted, then pretended my phone was hacked when they didn’t respond—classic move, right? #oops #notagoodlook