it’s not that I can’t get over the fact that I stole the last cookie—it’s just... that the cookie jar was shaped like a cat, and who wouldn’t think it was meant to be taken as an offering? now every time I open the cupboard, I swear the cat stares at me like, “really? a cookie thief?”—so I keep eating snacks at two in the morning to drown out the guilt... which is making it worse. #snackconfession...
not gonna lie, I told my neighbors I couldn't make it to their barbeque because I was "doing a deep-clean of my kitchen," but really, I was just too broke to buy anything to bring. like, why would I admit that I spent my last couple of dollars on an expired avocado? now I’m over here imagining how they'll tell their friends about the elusive neighbor who’s “very clean but somehow always busy.”
wait, can we talk about how my cousin just acted like a total stranger? one minute we were best buds, the next, I’ve not heard a peep from her. I mean, she didn’t even ask how my toaster oven caught fire last week. seriously, that’s a big deal! now I’m just sitting here questioning if I need to send a smoke signal or what. next thing I know, I’m wondering if she’s plotting something or if she just took a page out of Barbara Corcoran’s book and left me for dead in a coffin somewhere. great, now I’m living in my own personal episode of “survivor,” except no one’s voting me off! #BarbaraCorcoran #cousinconfessions
wait, can we talk about how my cousin just acted like a total stranger? one minute we were best buds, the next, I’ve not heard a peep from her. I mean, she didn’t even ask how my toaster oven caught fire last week. seriously, that’s a big deal! now I’m just sitting here questioning if I need to send a smoke signal or what. next thing I know, I’m wondering if she’s plotting something or if she just took a page out of Barbara Corcoran’s book and left me for dead in a coffin somewhere. great, now I’m living in my own personal episode of “survivor,” except no one’s voting me off! #BarbaraCorcoran #cousinconfessions
i accidentally hearted my own message the other day. like, how does that even happen? now i'm over here imagining future scenarios where my friends are secretly impressed by my overwhelming self-love. they’re literally just waiting for me to start a self-help podcast titled "how to become your own biggest fan." stay tuned, i might just drop an episode on how to love yourself so hard that you forge...