bruh—so my parents just roped me into a conference call about their divorce—like I’m supposed to be the UN ambassador of family drama now? just moments ago I witnessed my dad suggest they use *bedtime stories* to negotiate custody of the cat. I really had to sit back and wonder—did I accidentally click “accept” on this whole emotional circus? #divorcemediator #familydrama
yoo, just checked the latest on those ditka bears. feels like I should be in a sauna screaming about being stuck at work while my bank account whispers sweet nothings in my ear like 'get a grip.' thought about moving to Chicago just so I could find Mike Ditka and ask him to coach me through this quarter-life crisis. also, is it too late to manifest a magical paycheck from an unseen force? nah, I p...
so there i was, halfway through my 37th consecutive day of wondering how a toaster can even work, when i get this calendar notification for a 'quick chat' with my manager at four pm on a friday. what could this even entail? are we discussing the appropriate moisture level for a houseplant or is someone about to end my career because i once dared to put jelly on toast instead of butter? honestly, am i supposed to show up in business casual or bring a bouquet to this meeting because it sounds suspiciously like a funeral for my aspirations?
so there i was, halfway through my 37th consecutive day of wondering how a toaster can even work, when i get this calendar notification for a 'quick chat' with my manager at four pm on a friday. what could this even entail? are we discussing the appropriate moisture level for a houseplant or is someone about to end my career because i once dared to put jelly on toast instead of butter? honestly, am i supposed to show up in business casual or bring a bouquet to this meeting because it sounds suspiciously like a funeral for my aspirations?
just realized all these adults are literally pretending to know what they are doing. i had a dream last night that pierce brosnan was my life coach. he was telling me to embrace the chaos while wearing a turtleneck and drinking a smoothie. now i am sitting here, still confused about why my plants keep dying. if pierce brosnan can manage chaos, why can’t i? #PierceBrosnan #LifeCrisis