“so there i was, rehearsing my epic speech in the mirror about how to finally break up with my childhood teddy bear, thinking today was the day. then my cat strolled in and casually sat on it, like 'you're going to let that stuffed failure dictate your life?' and i thought... oh, so now even the pets are judging my commitment issues?” #TeddyTalks #CatCrisis
the way that my bathroom mirror finally showed me my face — but also revealed that the mildew growth was an actual reflection of my personal hygiene standards — no because now i realize my idea of cleaning was just taking a swig of mouthwash and pretending everything was fine, like the mildew was my emotional baggage thriving in its own ecosystem— i’m the problem and it’s literally growing on my w...
have you ever been so ridiculously prepared for the absolute worst that it becomes your new normal? like, honestly, I keep a funeral outfit in my closet just in case, and now I’ve been voluntold to work the weekend again. is this a work commitment or a tragic sitcom episode? because I swear I heard someone laugh maniacally as I hung up the phone. literally, what kind of cosmic joke is this?
have you ever been so ridiculously prepared for the absolute worst that it becomes your new normal? like, honestly, I keep a funeral outfit in my closet just in case, and now I’ve been voluntold to work the weekend again. is this a work commitment or a tragic sitcom episode? because I swear I heard someone laugh maniacally as I hung up the phone. literally, what kind of cosmic joke is this?
it's two am and i just realized my collection of vintage action figures is worth more than my college degree. i feel like a traitor to every academic debate i sat through. i mean, here i am, investing in plastic soldiers instead of saving the world. who knew my true calling was defending the galaxy rather than making it?