yooo, just saw Jayson Tatum’s latest highlight reel and thought about how I'm over here struggling to find my keys while googling "how to tell if you have early-onset chaos syndrome." I mean, my life feels like a Celtics game—totally chaotic with bad calls everywhere, and the only thing I’m scoring is late fees on my bills. I'm just hoping I don’t accidentally like an old crush's photo and spiral ...
last night, i realized my family group chat has evolved into the real Hunger Games, with each message an ambush that leaves me dodging passive-aggressive emojis like they are deadly arrows... i'm sorry, aunt Carol, for accidentally triggering your avocado toast rant again, i just... can't process the idea of gathering on a Thursday evening, it’s exhausting and um... actually kind of terrifying... ...
do you ever find yourself rehearsing your reaction to good news that hasn't even happened yet? like, picture me. standing in my living room. dramatically clutching my vintage stuffed animal collection, imagining someone saying I won an award for the best spontaneous dance-off in a parking lot. so naturally, I whip out the "I am so shocked and grateful" speech. but then, just as I start crying over a felt plush taco, I realize... I forgot to enter the contest. how do you even... ugh, there’s no award for just vibing in your pajamas.
do you ever find yourself rehearsing your reaction to good news that hasn't even happened yet? like, picture me. standing in my living room. dramatically clutching my vintage stuffed animal collection, imagining someone saying I won an award for the best spontaneous dance-off in a parking lot. so naturally, I whip out the "I am so shocked and grateful" speech. but then, just as I start crying over a felt plush taco, I realize... I forgot to enter the contest. how do you even... ugh, there’s no award for just vibing in your pajamas.
you know, seeing that melania trump documentary getting pulled feels a little like that time I planned my own award-winning speech for something that never happened. like, I even rehearsed my shocked reaction when I’d win an Oscar or something, completely ignoring that my last achievement was making it through the workday without crying in the bathroom. it’s like I’m writing a whole script for a l...