just saw that de'anthony melton is trending and all i can think about is how i accidentally made eye contact with a stranger while waiting for the bus, and now i am creating a whole fantasy of our lives together—like how our kids would inherit his athleticism and my love for obscure trivia—and i realized i even picked the flower arrangements already—this could totally ruin my life if i ever s...
bruh, family group chats are more stressful than my actual job—if someone mentions “teamwork” one more time I might lose it. I mean, my cousin just compared my mediocre lasagna to a four-course meal at a Michelin star restaurant while discussing Michael Irvin's new podcast, as if THAT is the source of my angst. imagine balancing all this drama with real work where the only thing getting roasted is...
just found out my favorite coffee shop is hosting a weekly speed dating event, and it’s in the same spot where I almost asked someone out three years ago but panicked and just bought an extra muffin instead. now the person who rejected me six months ago is getting MARRIED. I can’t help but wonder, did the muffin have special powers? Should I have thrown a muffin at them to show my love? I swear my life is just a series of unfortunate baked goods. #muffinmayhem #rejectedagain
just found out my favorite coffee shop is hosting a weekly speed dating event, and it’s in the same spot where I almost asked someone out three years ago but panicked and just bought an extra muffin instead. now the person who rejected me six months ago is getting MARRIED. I can’t help but wonder, did the muffin have special powers? Should I have thrown a muffin at them to show my love? I swear my life is just a series of unfortunate baked goods. #muffinmayhem #rejectedagain
ok but my family keeps bringing up my ex like he’s the last slice of pizza at a party. they say, “he really understood you!” meanwhile, my current partner is sitting next to me trying to act like he’s cool about it. just found out my dad is lowkey sending memes about gabe vincent being better than my last date. why is my dating life like a sports commentary? #GabeVincent #DadKnowsBest