just realized i spent all morning creating an elaborate game plan for a Texans versus Steelers prediction as if my life depended on it. meanwhile, my boss emailed me that I should prepare to train my replacement next week. so here I am, drafting player stats while simultaneously shopping for a funeral outfit in case I die from heartbreak after they trade me in like an old game console. will anyone...
just found out my great uncle was the notorious FENCER who stole art while dressed as a mime. suddenly my fear of performances makes SO MUCH SENSE. like—am I destined to turn into a confused criminal who can only express himself through gestures? because literally, all I wanted was to bake cookies on a Saturday night and now I might be plotting my next heist. #familysecrets #uncannyinheritance
wait, i just realized i ended up being the mediator in a group of friends who are actually in a secret competition to see who can make the most absurdly specific, unnecessary comments. who even cares about someone's opinion on how many socks you own? do we need a committee to discuss that? suddenly im sitting there like the judge on a bizarre reality show, waiting for them to declare a winner based on sock color.
wait, i just realized i ended up being the mediator in a group of friends who are actually in a secret competition to see who can make the most absurdly specific, unnecessary comments. who even cares about someone's opinion on how many socks you own? do we need a committee to discuss that? suddenly im sitting there like the judge on a bizarre reality show, waiting for them to declare a winner based on sock color.
it’s 3am and i can’t stop replaying that time my cousin threw a birthday party but forgot my name entirely, even when i literally shouted "hey! i'm your cousin!" from across the room, meanwhile my relatives acted like the GREY MARKET is their new favorite topic, so now i’m debating whether to call them out or just write a dramatic monologue about it in the style of a soap opera. i have imaginary b...