wait. just sent a message meant for my crush in the group chat. it was all about how larry ellison could totally finance my dream of a permanent vacation from this boring job. now my friends are asking for details, like, they want a power point. what do i do? tell them the truth or deny my career aspirations while praying my crush doesn’t actually see it? #LarryEllison #Help
ok but I literally spent twenty minutes practicing my excited reaction to winning the big game that doesn't even exist. I was pacing in my living room, pretending to hug imaginary teammates like a madman. then my neighbor walked by and I had to laugh, awkwardly wave, and explain my “intense cardio session.” but like, can you imagine me doing this alone while simultaneously fist-bumping an invisibl...
just got asked when i'm having kids again and i had to explain that my most committed relationship is with the weird sourdough starter on my counter. i told her it’s actually getting pretty serious. it even has a name. who knew fermentation could lead to a domestic partnership?
ever find yourself daydreaming about the intense love story that unfolds every time you pass by the weirdly aggressive parrot at the pet store? yeah, me neither… except for today. i was convinced it was sending me secret messages through its loud squawks. obviously, it was speaking to my soul and definitely not just scaring customers. so, i rehearsed my life-changing, heartfelt confession in the ...
just got asked when i'm having kids again and i had to explain that my most committed relationship is with the weird sourdough starter on my counter. i told her it’s actually getting pretty serious. it even has a name. who knew fermentation could lead to a domestic partnership?