...and then my mom just casually asked when i’m having kids again. Like, hello? I can’t even keep a houseplant alive, and she’s imagining tiny versions of me running around. Meanwhile, i’m daydreaming about kidnapping an entire basketball team for revenge against the last person who dared to cut in front of me in line. But who needs kids when you can channel your frustration into elaborate revenge...
i heard trump is thinking about his legacy, so naturally, i spent my day crafting dramatic obituaries in my head—imagine people weeping at the news of my pizza delivery getting delayed again... should i just be like, “remember when she couldn’t decide between pepperoni or veggie for TWO whole hours? the true tragedy”? i mean, if he’s panicking about how he’ll be remembered, shouldn’t we all—especi...
did you ever feel like you were part of a family, only to find out it was more of a family like in a rob schneider movie? my boss said “we're like family here” right before dropping the bomb about no raises this year. i mean, if we're family, does that mean i get to sleep on the couch and eat all the snacks? #RobSchneider #officehumor
did you ever feel like you were part of a family, only to find out it was more of a family like in a rob schneider movie? my boss said “we're like family here” right before dropping the bomb about no raises this year. i mean, if we're family, does that mean i get to sleep on the couch and eat all the snacks? #RobSchneider #officehumor
it's not that i don’t want to be compared to my cousin who’s literally buying islands, it’s just that my unique talent is knowing exactly when to have the perfect funeral outfit ready. honestly, my closet could hold a fashion show for every mood—just no mood matching the level of their financial success.