it's not that i didn't appreciate the sentiment—it's just that i was trying to make sure my microwave popcorn didn’t burn. when he said, "i love you," my brain short-circuited like my last three meals. so, in my panic, i blurted out, "thank you" and promptly spilled the salt everywhere—cue the awkward silence. now we have a new relationship dynamic where i’m “the one who’s grateful for the microwa...
so, my cousin called to tell me about her son's drum recital, right? i mean, who doesn’t want to hear a room full of excited eight-year-olds banging on drums? but as she drones on about the “joy” of supporting her kid’s questionable musical talent, all i can think is, do they serve snacks at this thing? because that might be the only way i survive... besides, do i really want to drop my *good* fun...
last night I remembered that I literally named my future pets with someone I have only spoken to once—like, we’re talking a thirty-second conversation at a bus stop. and now, every time I think of little Biscuit and Waffle, I’m like, "how did I let a stranger steal my entire future pet plan?" like, who am I kidding? this is a betrayal on par with losing my favorite pen or the time my childhood friend turned out to be a massive jerk! honestly, what was I thinking—did I expect them to call me up one day, say, "hey, just checking on Biscuit"? I don’t think so! #betrayal #petnames
last night I remembered that I literally named my future pets with someone I have only spoken to once—like, we’re talking a thirty-second conversation at a bus stop. and now, every time I think of little Biscuit and Waffle, I’m like, "how did I let a stranger steal my entire future pet plan?" like, who am I kidding? this is a betrayal on par with losing my favorite pen or the time my childhood friend turned out to be a massive jerk! honestly, what was I thinking—did I expect them to call me up one day, say, "hey, just checking on Biscuit"? I don’t think so! #betrayal #petnames
“so there i was, rehearsing my epic speech in the mirror about how to finally break up with my childhood teddy bear, thinking today was the day. then my cat strolled in and casually sat on it, like 'you're going to let that stuffed failure dictate your life?' and i thought... oh, so now even the pets are judging my commitment issues?” #TeddyTalks #CatCrisis