just realized that last month, i literally turned down an opportunity to buy a ridiculous inflatable flamingo that doubles as a pool float and a mini beer pong table. i mean, who says no to that? then, yesterday, i scrolled through social media and saw my neighbor proudly floating on it while laughing like a maniac. honestly, why did i think i was too classy for inflatable pool furniture? now i’m ...
bruh, the moment you saw my search history and just smiled like everything was normal... I was about to pull out the PowerPoint on my last five existential crises. like, you clearly saw me looking up “do horses have feelings” at three in the morning, so how are we pretending I didn’t just stumble into my midlife crisis during a midnight snack? #ExistentialDread #AwkwardSilences
have you ever found yourself coaching someone on the fine art of choosing cereal in the grocery store, only for them to get the SAME sugary mess every time? like, I literally stopped trying to help my friend pick out the non-organic cornflakes because at this point it feels like teaching a cat to fetch. the other day, I saw them with, I swear, the fifth box of the same kind, and I almost asked if I should just grab a trophy for “Most Consistent Mistakes.” but instead, I just started naming my future kids after flavors... so, uh, Honey Crunch and Cocoa Marshmallow it is.
have you ever found yourself coaching someone on the fine art of choosing cereal in the grocery store, only for them to get the SAME sugary mess every time? like, I literally stopped trying to help my friend pick out the non-organic cornflakes because at this point it feels like teaching a cat to fetch. the other day, I saw them with, I swear, the fifth box of the same kind, and I almost asked if I should just grab a trophy for “Most Consistent Mistakes.” but instead, I just started naming my future kids after flavors... so, uh, Honey Crunch and Cocoa Marshmallow it is.
i once thought a plant would be a great addition to my life. so i bought this succulent that looked like it was thriving, like me on my best days. but apparently, my self-care isn’t enough because it’s been wilted and barely hanging on. when my mom saw it, she said, "i'm not mad, i'm just disappointed." honestly, it felt more like she was talking about me. at this point, we’re both struggling to s...