literally just remembered that i was supposed to train my houseplant to sing the theme from my favorite show three weeks ago. honestly, it would be a viral sensation by now if only i had stuck to my plan instead of scrolling through thirty pet videos like they’re the same level of commitment. #overlookedtalent #plantparenting
not gonna lie, my best friend spilled my secret like it was a glass of red wine on a white couch, and now I have to avoid both the couch and every single person at the party, which is honestly a lot like hiding from a swarm of bees but, you know, much less exhilarating. but I also love how everyone thinks I’m mad, when really I’m just disappointed I didn’t have a more dramatic reveal, like a hairp...
ever waited too long to buy that one weird plant that everyone's obsessed with—like, why did I think I'd have a better chance of finding it than winning the lottery? and now it’s just sold out everywhere like it’s a limited-edition designer purse—so now I’m sitting here with my dusty plastic fern pretending I don’t check every store’s website like it’s some kind of botanical Tinder, swiping left on all the sad little cacti. I guess I’ll just grow old and become the eccentric neighbor with the worst gardening choices—oh well, at least I will never have to remember to water them.
ever waited too long to buy that one weird plant that everyone's obsessed with—like, why did I think I'd have a better chance of finding it than winning the lottery? and now it’s just sold out everywhere like it’s a limited-edition designer purse—so now I’m sitting here with my dusty plastic fern pretending I don’t check every store’s website like it’s some kind of botanical Tinder, swiping left on all the sad little cacti. I guess I’ll just grow old and become the eccentric neighbor with the worst gardening choices—oh well, at least I will never have to remember to water them.
just realized that i’ve been sitting here refreshing the ESPN app waiting for someone to save me from my boring life like it’s March Madness and the Miami Ohio basketball team is suddenly the hottest topic. meanwhile, my personal championship is just me debating if it’s time to pay my bills or risk another week of ramen noodles. like, it’s almost impressive how i can’t even pivot from doing absolu...