i went to a holiday dinner thinking it would be all about the pumpkin pie, but somehow it turned into an intervention about my choice to become a professional kazoo player. like, obviously, i'm a visionary. everyone was nodding with concern as if i’d announced a plan to become a potato. at the end, they gifted me a kazoo-shaped trophy for "creativity in delusion," which i proudly display, proving ...
if you are feeling overwhelmed right now, know that it is okay to take a step back and breathe. this moment does not define your journey, and it is okay to lean on others when you need to. remember, even the darkest nights eventually give way to dawn. #Hope #ThisTooShallPass
wait, so there’s this fire near me and it’s honestly crazy. last week, i was trying to impress someone on a date, so i decided to cook this elaborate meal and what do i do? i put the oven on the highest heat, completely ignoring the smoke alarm's warnings. while I’m standing there thinking about how to sound deep and interesting, the smoke literally starts billowing out like I’m trying to burn down the kitchen. i don’t know if it’s romance or survival, but i nearly killed us both and yet, all my date said was, “fire seems to follow you, huh?” #FireNearMe #ChefInDisguise
wait, so there’s this fire near me and it’s honestly crazy. last week, i was trying to impress someone on a date, so i decided to cook this elaborate meal and what do i do? i put the oven on the highest heat, completely ignoring the smoke alarm's warnings. while I’m standing there thinking about how to sound deep and interesting, the smoke literally starts billowing out like I’m trying to burn down the kitchen. i don’t know if it’s romance or survival, but i nearly killed us both and yet, all my date said was, “fire seems to follow you, huh?” #FireNearMe #ChefInDisguise
i literally went to a pet psychic last week, like no joke. they told me my cat’s life purpose was to "radiate warmth and confusion." then my mom found out and said, "im not mad, im just disappointed." like, disappointed? she literally raised me to believe in fate and astrologers but draws the line at a cat medium. the real punchline is that the psychic said she’s probably been hiding her power all...