the way that i just told my mom i have a huge crush on a fictional character, and she nodded with disappointment. she was expecting college updates, and here i am, still convinced that a thirty-second animation deserves my affection. now i can't even look at her without hearing “i’m not mad, just disappointed.”
the way that my coworker said they weren't ready for a relationship, and then i saw a picture of them ENGAGED while trying to microwave my lunch. i was so startled that i dropped my leftovers, which splattered everywhere, and now i have beef with a lasagna. like, HOW are you telling me you can't commit, but you are out here making LEGAL CONTRACTS with another person. so there i was, vacuuming chee...
not gonna lie, I moved to a city for a guy who decided to ditch me three months later, and now I’m stuck in a new place trying to navigate grocery stores without turning it into a detective mission—last week I spent an hour analyzing mustard brands, because it felt like I was solving a crime instead of just, you know, feeding myself. like, I called my mom to vent and ended up confessing that my biggest fear is accidentally joining a cult, but instead I should probably focus on finding new hobbies instead of pacing the aisle like it’s a dramatic movie scene.
not gonna lie, I moved to a city for a guy who decided to ditch me three months later, and now I’m stuck in a new place trying to navigate grocery stores without turning it into a detective mission—last week I spent an hour analyzing mustard brands, because it felt like I was solving a crime instead of just, you know, feeding myself. like, I called my mom to vent and ended up confessing that my biggest fear is accidentally joining a cult, but instead I should probably focus on finding new hobbies instead of pacing the aisle like it’s a dramatic movie scene.
So I’m just sitting on my couch—literally covered in pizza crumbs—when my parents walk in unannounced. And there I am, in full view of my walls that have only ever hosted twelve-year-old posters of a cartoon character. They look around like they just stumbled into a historical disaster site—like, surprise! Your kid has officially peaked at age fifteen. But the best part? They spot my secret stash ...