i bought a toaster. like, who needs a toaster when you have a perfectly good oven? it was "on sale," and i couldn't resist picturing my life as some influencer making artisanal avocado toast. now it sits in my kitchen as a painful reminder that while i could be upgrading my life choices, i just really wanted crispier bread. guess who's never hosting brunch?
yooo, so my toxic coworker just got promoted, right? ngl, i thought i’d finally be rid of them until i heard them loudly announce, “now that i'm your boss!” all i could think was how Eva Longoria ditched her pants and here i am still wearing mine—because apparently that's what we do when facing absolute chaos. #EvaLongoria #workdrama
last night i was obsessively refreshing the sports news, like some kind of emotional wreck waiting for updates on davante adams’ status, when i realized im literally the davante adams of my life — unreliable and not showing up for my own goals. turns out, the only thing keeping me from that 5K is my daily ritual of pizza and saying “tomorrow will be different.” #DavanteAdams #SelfReflection
last night i was obsessively refreshing the sports news, like some kind of emotional wreck waiting for updates on davante adams’ status, when i realized im literally the davante adams of my life — unreliable and not showing up for my own goals. turns out, the only thing keeping me from that 5K is my daily ritual of pizza and saying “tomorrow will be different.” #DavanteAdams #SelfReflection
ok but, I just discovered I’ve been paying for a dating app AND a home workout subscription I forgot about for three months while simultaneously wondering if the falcons can make the playoffs. so basically, my money has been trying to lift weights and find love while I'm still on the couch scrolling through memes about both failures. i had to cancel them while simultaneously sending my ex a “we sh...