it's not that I don't like juggling - it's just that when I turned down the chance to perform at that festival, I didn't expect my neighbor’s five-year-old to snatch it up. now, I have to sit through his daily rehearsal – and let me tell you, watching him drop flaming torches is a health hazard. instead of success, I’ve got my insurance premiums spiraling like his confidence after a particularly s...
not gonna lie, I still keep a secret about the time I accidentally turned my friend's grandma's award-winning pickle recipe into like, spicy kale chips, and I can literally never confess because it was the only time I saw her lose control and yell, "Why would you add cinnamon?!", while the whole family quietly filed their grievances against my cooking.
just realized my mom thinks my life plan is a straight line—like, is she expecting a "kid, partner, house" checklist? last night, during an imaginary argument in the shower, I was like “mom, let’s be real—right now, my biggest commitment is keeping this houseplant alive. kids? I can barely keep track of the cereal I bought three months ago.” so until I can get the hang of adulthood, she might have to settle for me being the world's best dog aunt.
just realized my mom thinks my life plan is a straight line—like, is she expecting a "kid, partner, house" checklist? last night, during an imaginary argument in the shower, I was like “mom, let’s be real—right now, my biggest commitment is keeping this houseplant alive. kids? I can barely keep track of the cereal I bought three months ago.” so until I can get the hang of adulthood, she might have to settle for me being the world's best dog aunt.
literally just saw that milo manheim is back on my screen and suddenly i’m haunted by the time i accidentally wore mismatched shoes to my best friend's party. like, one was black and the other was bright red with glitter—so my childhood crush definitely noticed me. fast forward, i'm hiding in the bathroom sobbing about how this will define my social life forever, only to walk out and catch my mom ...