it's three a.m. and i just realized my spotify wrapped makes me sound like i’m one existential crisis away from joining a cult. i mean, why are twenty-seven of my top songs about heartbreak from artists nobody’s heard of? clearly, i’m single handedly keeping sad indie music alive. #whydowedothis #existentialmelody
it's not that i forgot about my subscriptions. it's just that one minute i’m calmly paying for a four-hour guided meditation on "sitting still" and the next minute i realize i’ve unknowingly subscribed to a service that sends me a new scented candle every month, as if that’s the key to my inner peace. like, why am i spending fifteen dollars on something that will just remind me that my life smells...
so, I literally stood there, trapped in a nightmare of my own making, clutching my vintage cactus collection—sorry, Mr. Prickles, you’ve seen better days—thinking how my life’s been reduced to washing dishes and forming emotional attachments with succulents while my company quietly decides whether to replace me with an AI that doesn't need coffee breaks, and I'm like, "Sorry, just an overcooked meatloaf of loyalty."
so, I literally stood there, trapped in a nightmare of my own making, clutching my vintage cactus collection—sorry, Mr. Prickles, you’ve seen better days—thinking how my life’s been reduced to washing dishes and forming emotional attachments with succulents while my company quietly decides whether to replace me with an AI that doesn't need coffee breaks, and I'm like, "Sorry, just an overcooked meatloaf of loyalty."
honestly, I let my friend take the fall for stealing a whole tray of artisanal cheeses from that random rooftop party. I was way too scared to admit I was the one who distracted the host while I stuffed my face, thinking I’d be the next cheese influencer. turns out, she just got really into charcuterie and now everyone thinks she's a snack fiend. she’s practically a cheese ambassador now, and I’m ...