so i was literally calculating how many times i would need to say “i will take the bigger slice” at birthday parties to save up for that super obscure collector's item of a soap dish shaped like a cat. the number was terrifying. honestly, i can’t even host the parties. i have zero friends, but if i had them, they would definitely argue over the cat soap dish like it was the last avocado at the mar...
just realized my neighbor's lawn has been more manicured than my life choices for three years. do they host secret garden parties? am i missing out on some elite suburban ritual? honestly, who even notices when it’s TIME to wave hello or borrow a cup of sugar?
its two in the morning and i just watched a video about that celebrity couple who apparently broke up over a heated argument about avocado toast. meanwhile, i have been waiting on a response from someone who can’t even decide whether to text back or just ghost me for eternity. i'm pretty sure if my life was a movie, the title would be "the girl who believed in love while pushing paperwork at a dead-end job." also, they’ll be in a movie together next week, while i am here, pretending to rehearse the way i’ll act if i ever get invited to a real life brunch. #CelebrityCouplesReactTheLatest #LoveIsFake
its two in the morning and i just watched a video about that celebrity couple who apparently broke up over a heated argument about avocado toast. meanwhile, i have been waiting on a response from someone who can’t even decide whether to text back or just ghost me for eternity. i'm pretty sure if my life was a movie, the title would be "the girl who believed in love while pushing paperwork at a dead-end job." also, they’ll be in a movie together next week, while i am here, pretending to rehearse the way i’ll act if i ever get invited to a real life brunch. #CelebrityCouplesReactTheLatest #LoveIsFake
just realized i spent three hours crafting a thank you speech for a hypothetical award in "Best Eye Contact During a Meeting." like, what if they called my name? do people practice walking up to an invisible podium? also, I made eye contact with my cat while rehearsing and he looked genuinely impressed. so, you know, maybe I'm winning something?