i literally double texted my old gym teacher about the importance of working out, then triple texted her quotes from fitness influencers. after contemplating faking my death to escape the embarrassment, i remembered she’s the only person i know who could probably track down my soul to give me extra push-ups. like, what am i even doing?
so i walk into work, coffee in hand, only to find my coworker pulling up MY project presentation like it’s their ticket to a roblox theme park. i spent nights sweating over that slide deck, and here they are acting like they’ve been grinding the code for months. at this point, i might as well ask them for a roblox account to share my frustration—just give me a digital playground where i can build ...
bruh, I just realized I named my future lizards after a random guy I met once at a sandwich shop. I don't even remember his name, but he made a mean pastrami—so now my pets are going to be called Mr. Crunch and Sir Sizzle. It's like I signed up for a medieval reptile renaissance that doesn't even exist. So when the neighbors ask about my pets, I can only reply with, “Well, it’s a long story... it started with a very good sandwich.”
bruh, I just realized I named my future lizards after a random guy I met once at a sandwich shop. I don't even remember his name, but he made a mean pastrami—so now my pets are going to be called Mr. Crunch and Sir Sizzle. It's like I signed up for a medieval reptile renaissance that doesn't even exist. So when the neighbors ask about my pets, I can only reply with, “Well, it’s a long story... it started with a very good sandwich.”
so there i was, happily rearranging my collection of decorative staplers when my manager casually drops the news that i need to train my replacement. wait, what? nobody told me i was LEAVING. like, did i just manifest this by channeling my inner zen or something? also, are we pretending that showing them how to use the copier will magically make me disappear into the abyss? so i guess my career's ...