bruh, my parents just showed up unannounced and I had to open the door while holding a bag of expired broccoli I planned to throw away. they looked around and I could see their eyes scan the chaos. they clearly had no idea I kept my vacuum cleaner as a makeshift plant holder in the corner.
I just bought a tactical flashlight "on sale." It has an option for strobe light that makes you feel like a member of a covert operation. So now, I’m walking around like I'm ready to invade Area 51 or signal for backup. Meanwhile, I still can’t find my keys half the time... what am I doing with my life? #Area51 #shoppingregrets
so like, kathy hilton welcomed her son with vanna white in the room, right? meanwhile, my best friend just casually dropped my darkest secret to her crush at a party — no prior warning or anything, like am i supposed to act like i didn't just relive the worst moment of my life while making small talk about snacks? how did my secrets go from the confessional booth to a high school cafeteria gossip fest in a single breath? maybe i need a new “dear friend” who actually knows what confidentiality means. #KathyHilton #TrustIssues
so like, kathy hilton welcomed her son with vanna white in the room, right? meanwhile, my best friend just casually dropped my darkest secret to her crush at a party — no prior warning or anything, like am i supposed to act like i didn't just relive the worst moment of my life while making small talk about snacks? how did my secrets go from the confessional booth to a high school cafeteria gossip fest in a single breath? maybe i need a new “dear friend” who actually knows what confidentiality means. #KathyHilton #TrustIssues
just accidentally liked a picture from 47 weeks ago while scrolling through a random hashtag about llama sweaters. now I can't go back to being a normal person. i thought, “who needs to have a secret life when your real one is this chaotic?”