i woke up this morning to the shocking revelation that my best friend has been secretly HOARDING my expired coupon collection. i thought we had a bond—deep, sacred. now here i am—voluntold to work the weekend because of HER betrayal. just a week ago, i confided in her about my wish to save money—SHE had the audacity to act concerned, while plotting against my pantry. #betrayal #whydididoit
just realized my partner has been texting their old middle school drama club director. like, literally who texts their old drama teacher? i am fully prepared to give my acceptance speech for "Best Supportive Partner" after I confront them. just waiting for the moment they bring up "expression" and how much it "means to them." honey, your monologues do not work here!
it’s not that i’m jealous of a fictional character dating my celebrity crush—i’m just concerned for my sanity. like, here i am crying into a microwave burrito over some character's fairy tale love, while my own love life is as nonexistent as the suns' defense in the final quarter against the knicks. honestly, my emotional investment is literally keeping me broke and in denial—like, am i more upset over the game or my failed romance with a book character? #SunsVsKnicks #EmotionalBroke
it’s not that i’m jealous of a fictional character dating my celebrity crush—i’m just concerned for my sanity. like, here i am crying into a microwave burrito over some character's fairy tale love, while my own love life is as nonexistent as the suns' defense in the final quarter against the knicks. honestly, my emotional investment is literally keeping me broke and in denial—like, am i more upset over the game or my failed romance with a book character? #SunsVsKnicks #EmotionalBroke
ok but i just argued with someone in my head about boomer esiason saying the jets 'lucked out' while my last two grocery deliveries 'lucked out' on everything except milk. now, i'm questioning my entire existence, like if the universe has time to let someone return to college, why can't it help me return to 2018 and tell my ex to just text me back? #BoomerEsiason #ExistentialCrisis