so like, I just found out my coworker makes literally five dollars more an hour than me, and I spent a week teaching them how to use the coffee machine. I should have just handed them the keys to the kingdom and said, "Good luck getting your latte, peasants!" Meanwhile, I'm over here contemplating whether to start charging for my coffee expertise like I'm running a barista boot camp for the underp...
it's not that i was just casually discussing the deep emotional scars from my childhood while everyone was digging into the potato salad, it's just that my aunt asked why i never bring a plus-one to the family BBQ, and somehow that spiraled into a full-blown revelation about my fear of commitment stemming from that time my pet turtle mysteriously disappeared during my fifth birthday party. so now ...
just realized my manager scheduled a 'quick chat' on friday at four pm, which literally means they must have discovered i am secretly a legendary space-time traveler. like, who else could turn a four pm chat into an intergalactic diplomatic meeting? i mean, honestly, i can just see it now. i walk in, and they're like, "we need you to broker peace with the alien factions" while i'm over here struggling to remember my lunch order from yesterday.
just realized my manager scheduled a 'quick chat' on friday at four pm, which literally means they must have discovered i am secretly a legendary space-time traveler. like, who else could turn a four pm chat into an intergalactic diplomatic meeting? i mean, honestly, i can just see it now. i walk in, and they're like, "we need you to broker peace with the alien factions" while i'm over here struggling to remember my lunch order from yesterday.
i realized i’ve been apologizing for existing my whole life. i mean, even in yoga class, i feel the need to say “sorry” for breathing too loud during meditation. it’s gotten to the point where i bumped into a stranger at a party and said, “excuse me, sorry for…you know, just being here.” now, i'm waiting for someone to apologize for me not leaving the house and also for making awkward small talk w...