literally double texted, then triple texted my houseplant about the lack of water—thought about faking my death to escape the guilt of letting it suffer, and then I realized I might be the only one on earth who has full-on existential crises about botany...
it’s 2am and i just caught myself googling “how to fix a toilet float” like i am not a thirty-year-old woman who has a Google Calendar reminding me to water my succulents. my parents would be so proud of me, sitting here with a power drill I don't know how to use. i almost called my dad for help but then thought... what if I become the DIY queen of my own tragic reality show? wait, does anyone kno...
i literally cannot stop thinking about the conversation i rehearsed in my head about what to say to the person who collects raccoon figurines. like, are they even real raccoons? who needs that many? honestly, we might as well discuss the mating habits of squirrel monkeys while we are at it. yet here i am, losing sleep over it like it’s my job, plotting my brilliant icebreaker and honestly convinced this will lead to an eternal friendship.
i literally cannot stop thinking about the conversation i rehearsed in my head about what to say to the person who collects raccoon figurines. like, are they even real raccoons? who needs that many? honestly, we might as well discuss the mating habits of squirrel monkeys while we are at it. yet here i am, losing sleep over it like it’s my job, plotting my brilliant icebreaker and honestly convinced this will lead to an eternal friendship.
just got the news about my income tax refund being delayed. it's like waiting for your turn at the DMV, but now my whole friend group is choosing sides on whether it’s unfair or not. they picked the ‘get over it’ side and i just feel like the rejected character in a rom-com that never got the date. #IncomeTaxRefundNews #TheDramaOfItAll