wait, did you hear about the rain alert on the twenty-sixth and twenty-seventh? i can't help but feel like that's the universe mocking me. like, great, my favorite series just introduced a fictional character who is DATING my celebrity crush. while I’m over here with my unmatched skills in avoiding the gym and suddenly finding out i might also get stuck in a downpour—perfect. so now i'm jealous of...
day 37 of my existential crisis and I literally sent the “can you believe what they said?” text… to the person I was talking about. so now, instead of addressing my unwavering fear of becoming an adult, I’m here sweating bullets while they respond with “LOL, right?” and honestly, what if they end up on a true crime podcast about texting disasters? suddenly I am the main suspect in a text message m...
you know you're broke when declining plans feels like dodging a nuclear missile — "sorry, can't make it," sounds a lot like "I have a crucial appointment with my imaginary pet cactus." meanwhile, in my head, I’m conjuring revenge plots against the next person who suggests brunch. why don’t we just stay home and eat the joy I can't afford? #CactusPriorities #PlansCancelled
you know you're broke when declining plans feels like dodging a nuclear missile — "sorry, can't make it," sounds a lot like "I have a crucial appointment with my imaginary pet cactus." meanwhile, in my head, I’m conjuring revenge plots against the next person who suggests brunch. why don’t we just stay home and eat the joy I can't afford? #CactusPriorities #PlansCancelled
so like, the other night, I literally meant to send a voice note to my cousin about my crush. and I accidentally dropped it in the group chat. everyone listened and, oh my god, I thought I was just talking about how cute he is—turns out they were all judging my love life. and it wasn’t until my ex jumped in saying, “what is this? an NBA matchup? trail blazers versus wizards?” I guess they decided ...